


The size of what, now?

by gottriplets



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Husbands, M/M, Mpreg, did i mention the fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-05-20 11:00:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19375372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gottriplets/pseuds/gottriplets
Summary: Patrick has some surprising news for David. And David has an interesting way of following along.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an mpreg fic, so if it’s not your thing, please don’t read. An anon asked for more mpreg after I posted my “Introductions” drabble, so here it is. I have no idea how long it will be, or how often I’ll update it, but I can guarantee it will be all fluff. Apparently that’s all I am capable of.

Patrick first noticed the queasiness after a trip to Elmdale’s only Thai restaurant and didn’t think too much of it. He certainly had experienced that before, but when it lingered for more than a few days, he started to worry. They had been so careful. There _was_ their anniversary trip to the spa about a month ago...and the hot tub.

  
“Stevie, can you meet me at our apartment for lunch?”

  
“Why Patrick, you’re a married man! I can’t go behind my best friend’s back.”

  
“Please don’t say anything to David.”

  
Something in Patrick’s voice told Stevie to just let it go.

  
“Of course. I’ll be there at 11:30.”

  
Stevie let herself in and found Patrick pacing back and forth in front of the door.

  
“Hey...what’s going on?”

  
“ _Ohmygod,_ Stevie. David is going to kill me.”

  
“Did you shrink a McQueen sweater?”

  
“Worse. Stevie, I’m pregnant!”

  
Stevie was quiet for a minute and looked at Patrick with big eyes.

  
“Wait. What did you just say?”

  
Patrick flopped down on the couch.  
“I’m pregnant. David is going to...”

  
He’s cut off by Stevie hauling him to his feet and enveloping him in a giant hug.

  
“Oh my god, Patrick! This is incredible! I am so happy for you! I’m going to be an aunt! I’ve always wanted to be an aunt!!”

Stevie was practically vibrating with excitement.  
Patrick sat down on the couch again.

  
“Have you met my husband, Stevie? David doesn’t want kids.”

  
“Are you sure about that? When your niece was here last month he looked quite smitten.”

  
“That was because he got to give her back at the end of the night. And he knew she wasn’t going to stay for 18 years. Oh my god.”

  
“Haven’t you ever talked about having kids? Surely you have.”

  
“Yes, but in the abstract ‘someday’ sense. Not NOW!”

Patrick was starting to hyperventilate.

  
“Take a deep breath and calm down. David loves you and if he talked _someday_ you’ll just have to move the schedule up a little to now. You just have to find the right way to tell him.”

  
“Oh god, I haven’t even thought about that. Do I have to tell him?”

  
“In about 3 months he’s going to notice for sure, so I suggest telling him now. Are you 100% sure you’re pregnant?”

  
“Unless 6 home tests and the blood test at the doctor this morning are all lying, I’m definitely pregnant.”

 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” David walked into the bedroom where Patrick was sitting on the bed, sipping some tea and nibbling on dry toast.

  
“Ummm. I went to the doctor this morning.”

  
“And...”

  
“I....I don’t know how...,” Patrick couldn’t finish his sentence. The tears started.

  
“Oh my god. Are you sick? Is it that bad? We’ll get through this. I’ll do whatever you need. Do you need a kidney? I have an extra one. You can have it!”

  
Patrick starts laughing.

  
“Wait. What’s so funny? First you’re crying and telling me you’re sick and now you’re laughing?”

  
“It’s just...currently I have two extra kidneys, David.”

  
“Ohmygod...it’s a brain tumor, isn’t it? You’re delirious.”

  
“It’s not a brain tumor, David. It’s an entire person. I’m pregnant, David.”


	2. Pomegranate Seed

“I’m….I’m sorry?  You’re what? I need a minute.”  David turned and left the room. 

“David…” Patrick tried to get up and follow David, but the day’s worth of non stop nausea made him lightheaded. He stumbled and knocked the alarm clock over as he fell back on the bed. 

David came rushing back into the room. 

“Are you okay?  Are you in labor?  What should I do? Boil water?” 

“David. I’m not in labor. According to the doctor that won’t happen for another 34 to 36 weeks. What I am is dehydrated because I haven’t been able to keep anything down.  Could you possibly see if we have any ginger ale?”

“Ginger ale. Got it. Anything else?”

“Nope.”

David returned to the room, ginger ale in hand, to find Patrick curled into a ball and silently crying. 

“Hey, sweetheart...what’s wrong?  Do you need me to take you back to the doctor?”

“I’m so sorry, David.”

“Sorry for what??  Here.” David helped Patrick sit up and have a sip of ginger ale.  “Now what on earth are you sorry for?”

“Getting pregnant. I know you really aren’t sure about kids and now I go and do this and…”

“Okay. I’m pretty sure I had a part in this, too. It wasn’t just you. Unless there’s something you need to tell me, Mr. Rose Brewer!”

Patrick gave a tearful, shaky laugh. 

“This has just come as a bit of a shock, probably more of a shock to you, I would think. Honestly?  I’m a little excited about this.”

David climbed into the bed with Patrick and let him snuggle into his side. 

“Me, too. I was just so scared you would be angry, David.”

“Not angry at all,” David said, kissing Patrick on the top of his head. “Now tell me what the doctor had to say.”

“All the blood tests are looking normal. She thinks I’m about 6 weeks along, so my due date is right around Thanksgiving. In another month she wants to do an ultrasound to make sure everything looks good.”

David grabbed his phone off of the nightstand and began typing. 

“What are you doing?”

“Research.  You said 6 weeks along right now, right?”  David moves his hand to Patrick’s belly. “This says the baby is the size of a pomegranate seed.”

Patrick put his hand over David’s. “Something that tiny is making me this sick?”

“Apparently. But we made that tiny thing.  And it’s not a thing...it’s a baby! Oh my god, Patrick!  We’re going to be dads!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff. Sorry, not sorry. 
> 
> If anyone has any ideas for future drabbles I’m gottriplets on tumblr. 🙂


	3. Raspberry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I am not capable of writing anything but short drabbles that are simply fluff. Sorry.

Patrick and David agree to keep the news to themselves (and Stevie) until the doctor says everything looks fine.  Patrick doesn’t have another appointment until his 10 week ultrasound, so David continues his Google searches for pregnancy information. 

 

“Patrick, it says here you shouldn’t have sushi.”

 

“Well, it’s a good thing the cafe took it off the menu. I’d hate to be tempted.”

 

“I’m just trying to be  _ involved _ , Patrick. I want to experience this with you.”

 

“You want to be  _ involved _ , David?  Get up five times a night to pee. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped, I’m just exhausted. I do appreciate you trying to be involved and I love all the little facts you’re sharing.”

 

“Here’s another one - this woman says that eating pineapple helped with her morning sickness.”

 

“Aaand suddenly I’m craving pineapple, so I’m going to run over to the cafe and see if they have any.  I promise to steer clear of the sushi”

 

“Are you sure?  I can go get it for you.”

 

“I need the exercise, David, and maybe the fresh air will wake me up a bit.”

 

A few minutes later Patrick returns to the store with a coffee in one hand for David and a cup of fruit in the other. 

 

“Coffee for you and the only thing they had with pineapple was this fruit cup, so…”

 

“Don’t eat that!”

 

“Don’t eat what?”

 

Patrick looks down at his fork where he has speared a raspberry. 

 

“Am I not allowed to have raspberries?”

 

“No, it’s just….our baby is the size of a raspberry this week. 8 weeks.”

 

David pulls out his phone and shows Patrick the article. 

 

“It just sort of gives me the creeps to see you eating that. I know it sounds a little insane…”

 

“It does sound a little insane, but it’s sweet, David.”  Patrick puts the raspberry in the palm of his hand. “So this is how big the baby is right now?”

 

“More or less.”  David says, putting a hand on Patrick’s belly. 

 

“How is something this tiny making me pee so much?”

 

“Go in the back and eat your pineapple, Mr. Rose-Brewer.”


	4. Kumquat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? A chapter?? Sorry I’ve been MIA...life has been insane. I do want to finish this and will do my best. It will probably remain little bits of fluff. Sorry, not sorry!

“David? Why are there miniature oranges in the fridge?”

Without looking up from his episode of House Hunters David waves his hand and answers, “Kumquats, Patrick. They’re kumquats.”

“Okay, why are kumquats in our fridge?”

Clearly annoyed at the second interruption, David waves his hands again. 

“Baby.”

“I have no idea what you mean, but we do have an appointment to look at the baby today. In fact, we need to leave in about ten minutes, David.”

“This episode is almost over. Then I’ll be ready. Can you grab me a kumquat?”

“You’re taking a snack, David?”

“No. According to the website, the baby is the size of a kumquat. I just want to compare.”

“Are you serious?”

The doctor shows David and Patrick the image on the screen. It’s fuzzy and really doesn’t look anything like a baby, but it’s the most beautiful thing either of them have ever seen. 

“Do you see that fluttering in the center? That’s the baby’s heartbeat. Now hear that galloping sound? That’s the sound of your baby’s heart.”

David and Patrick are stunned into silence, just staring at the screen. Suddenly David remembers and reaches into his pocket for the kumquat. He holds it up to the screen. 

“David!” Patrick snaps, covering his face in embarrassment. 

“Ahhh...the kumquat! It usually makes an appearance at the 10 week ultrasound. I do ask that you don’t bring a pineapple if you have a 33 week ultrasound appointment with me. I’m allergic.” the doctor laughs and starts printing the ultrasound pictures.

Patrick turns beet red and David just continues taking pictures of the kumquat next to the ultrasound of the baby on the screen.


	5. Peach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I can’t stop writing dialogue and David and Patrick being sassy to each other.

”Dad, Patrick and I are having a picnic for the family on Canada Day and it’s really important to us that you and mom come...”

“Hey, Ted. It’s Patrick. We’re having a little get together on Canada Day and were hoping you and Alexis could be there...”

“Stevie, it’s David. We’re going to tell everyone at this Canada Day picnic thing. You will be there...”

“Mom! David and I are having a little party for Canada Day and we’d love it if you and dad could come...”

“Okay, David. Everyone has been contacted and is coming. Now what is your plan for this?” 

“Peach pie.”

“Peach pie? That’s it? A pastry is your plan to tell our families we’re having a baby?”

“Yes, Patrick. It’s symbolic. At 14 weeks the baby is the size of a peach.”

“So we’re inviting our families to come and eat our unborn baby.”

“Once again, Patrick, it’s symbolic.”

The day of the picnic arrives and all seems to go as planned. There is one small hitch when Ted starts to question why Patrick isn’t drinking his usual beer, but Stevie comes to the rescue, distracting him by asking about adopting a dog. 

Once everyone has finished the meal, David brings out the peach pie. Standing next to Patrick, he clears his throat and starts to speak. 

“Patrick and I wanted to thank you all for coming today. It’s such a gift to have our family so nearby. Who is ready for dessert?” 

David slices the pie, places ice cream beside it and hands plates to his and Patrick’s mother. “Grandmothers first.”

There is a long pause while what David said sinks in, then there is pandemonium. Everyone jumps up and begins hugging David and Patrick, asking how Patrick is feeling, how far along he is and when the baby is due. Moira can be heard lamenting “I shan’t be called grandmother. I shan’t!” Marcy can’t stop hugging Patrick and crying. 

David proudly shows off the ultrasound pictures (complete with kumquat) and announces that the baby is now the size of a peach. Everyone side eyes their pie and pushes it aside, just eating the ice cream instead. 

Patrick leans in and whispers in David’s ear, “I told you the peach pie was a bad idea!”


	6. Banana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Far too much dialogue, yet again.

“Ok...I want to be sure we’re in agreement before we go in. We want to know the baby’s sex, correct?” Patrick rubbed his stomach and looked up at David. 

“Yes, I mean, you do, right? That’s what we talked about. If you’ve changed your mind we can always...” David began to flail his hands. 

“Have not changed my mind. And I agree that this way we can avoid a - what did you call it? - ‘inadequately planned, distastefully decorated revelation of our unborn child’s genitals to the entire town’.”

“You think you’re funny, but I heard Roland discussing using the exhaust from his truck for the reveal. Our child’s sex revealed by the byproduct of petroleum combustion, Patrick! Incorrect.”

“Agreed. Can we please go so I can get to the doctors before I have to pee again?”

“Sure. Let me grab my bag.”

Fifteen minutes later they had arrived at the office and Patrick headed straight for the bathroom. As soon as he returned and got settled in the waiting room, they were called back for the ultrasound. 

“Hello! It’s nice to see you again. Let me guess...”, the ultrasound technician takes a quick look at the bag David is carrying and then at the chart, “20 weeks. Banana, right?”

David sheepishly reaches into the Rose Apothecary tote and produces a banana. 

“Guilty as charged.” he mutters, thoroughly embarrassed. 

The ultrasound was much more detailed this time and they were both fascinated by all of the things the tech pointed out. Their baby didn’t look like a fuzzy blob, it sort of looked like a baby. 

“Now, did you want to know the gender?”

“Sex.” David corrected. “Gender is how an individual identifies oneself. What you’re really going to tell us is what genitalia our baby has.”

“I apologize. So you do want to know?”

“Yes,” Patrick clutched at David’s hand, “we do.”

“It looks like you have a little girl.”

David and Patrick both stared at the monitor with tears in their eyes. 

“Oh my God, Patrick. A baby girl!”

“A girl!! David. Our little monkey!”

”We are not calling our daughter a monkey, Patrick!”

“How about Anna Banana?”

“I’m starting to think a Roland truck exhaust themed reveal might not have been such a bad idea. You’re lucky I love you.”


	7. Cabbage

Patrick woke up from his nap and wandered into the kitchen. He smelled something familiar cooking, but he couldn’t quite place it. Then he saw David with his iPad propped up, FaceTiming with his mother.

  
“Hi, Mom.”

  
“Patrick! David thought you’d be asleep for at least another hour.”

  
“Well, our little girl was not in the mood for a nap, apparently. What are you making?”

  
“David asked me for grandma’s cabbage roll recipe. I haven’t made those in years!”

  
“Well, I’ll leave you two chefs to it. I’m going to watch the game and see if I can get these swollen ankles to go down.”

  
A few innings later Patrick heard David say goodbye to his mother and close the oven door. He came over to the sofa and wedged himself behind Patrick. Stroking his stomach he asked, “How much longer in the game?”

  
“Four more innings.”

  
“Could you translate that into real people time, please?”

  
“About an hour and a half, give or take 15 minutes.”

  
“Perfect. Dinner should be done by then.”

  
“Why the sudden urge for cabbage rolls, David? I’ve never heard you mention them before.”

  
Patting Patrick’s baby bump David answered, “At 30 weeks the website says she’s the size of a cabbage.”

  
“Like one of those Cabbage Patch Kid dolls?”

  
“Patrick...”

  
“Does this website ever say there’s a baby in there? I’m getting a little frightened that I’m going to give birth to a farmer’s market.”

  
“Patrick...”

  
“Should we be buying another refrigerator instead of a crib?”

  
“Oh my god. Watch your baseball match. You’re insufferable!”

  
“You did this to me!” Patrick shouted after David as he left the room.

  
“And you loved every second of it!” David shouted back in reply.

  
“That I did, that I did.” Patrick chuckled, and turned his attention back to the game.


	8. Romaine lettuce

“Hey. How are you feeling?” David rushed in the door to find Patrick on the sofa with his feet up.

  
“Better. The doctor said as long as I take it easy she doesn’t think there will be a problem. My blood pressure was just a tiny bit high, David.”

  
“Well, that’s nothing to mess with. And so you can take it easy I’ve made reservations at that Italian restaurant in Elmdale you like so much.”

  
“You’re too good to me, Mr. Rose-Brewer.”

  
“Oh, I know.”

“I think I’m going to have the lasagna like I always do, but I think I’m going to have the house salad instead of the Caesar salad tonight.”

  
“Mixing things up a little, Patrick? It’s like I don’t even know you! I’m going to have the fettuccini Alfredo and the Caesar salad because our baby is the size of a head of Romaine lettuce.”

  
“This whole fruit and vegetable thing is a little creepy, David. Do you just wait for the opportunity to bring it up or do you plan meals accordingly or what?”

  
“It just happens. I don’t know...it’s just something I can relate to. I mean you were around pregnant aunts and cousins but I never had that. And well, you’re carrying her. I can’t comprehend any of that. But food I can understand. So when I saw the website, I don’t know...”

  
“As weird as it is, that is incredibly sweet. Bizarre, yes. But sweet. You’re going to be an incredible father.”

  
“And so are you.”


	9. Pumpkin

David was flying around the kitchen, checking and rechecking that everything was perfect.

“David,” Patrick said, getting up from his recliner, “let me come help you.”

“Absolutely not.Mariah is due in 2 weeks and you are going to take it easy. I have everything under control.”

The doorbell rang and as David left the room to answer it Patrick shouted, “For the millionth time, we are not naming her Mariah!”

“Marcy, Clint!So good to see you.”

“Happy Thanksgiving!We’re just so excited for our granddaughter!I don’t know how we’re going to make it through the next few weeks!”

Marcy handed David a pumpkin pie while Clint made his way over to Patrick.

“How have you been feeling, son?”

“Had a little trouble sleeping last night. My back is really feeling it these days.”

“I’ve had him resting all morning,” David said, “it doesn’t seem to be helping, though.”

Once they had thoroughly stuffed themselves with turkey and all the trimmings, Marcy stood up from the table and asked, “Who would like some pie?”

“I think I’m going to pass, mom.” Patrick breathed out. “I’m going to go lie down on the sofa.”

Patrick stood up and he froze in place, eyes wide.

“Honey, are you ok?”

“My water just broke.”

Fourteen hours and four pushes later Charlotte Mariah Rose-Brewer (affectionately nicknamed pumpkin) was born. 


End file.
